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  • Writer's pictureDesi

Friendship Break Ups



I've been so back and forth with writing this post about my friendship break ups. I think it's because it's such a sensitive topic to me. I've been through enough to know that it's not fun to go through and can honestly say I don't think I've FULLY healed from them and I am definitely STILL learning from them.

It's hard for me to write this post because, well... a part of me wants to call out these situations but another part of me wants to simply explain the emotional toll it can take on a person. I'm choosing to meet in the middle, so if the shoe fits, wear it.


Let's start with what is a friendship breakup? Well, honestly it is what it is, a break up with a friend, usually with a person with whom you considered a BEST friend. I feel like a friendship break up is just as equivalent as going through a relationship break up with the opposite sex. This person was your confidant, your lover when you wanted to keep the creeps away during a night out with friends, your secret keeper, inside joke keeper, your unlicensed therapist, your travel buddy, your sister from another mister and so on or brother from another mother. Why does it happen? That question has A LOT of answers. Sometimes people just grow apart, sometimes friends move away and the distance puts a strain on the friendship, sometimes one friend wasn't even a real friend at all and sometimes friends just do some shady shit and it has to end. I mean c'mon does the Kylie Jenner and Jordyn Woods friendship break up ring a bell? Haha! There's so many reasons a friendship ends..


So lets talk about it!

Now let me remind everyone, I am speaking in my own perspective in this post. This is how I am deciding to heal. I may sound selfish in some areas and I may also sound totally reasonable, either way... I'm dealing with it and my thoughts on it are my thoughts.


 

I've thought about the times I went through a friendship break up and I've dwelled on the fact that since they all kind of happened back to back, maybe it's me. Maybe I am the problem. Do I take fault in some part of a friendship break up? I can say yes to that, in regards to some.

See the thing with me is I am a horrible communicator. I could receive a text from a friend and 95% of the time I will look at it and not respond right away sometimes I'll respond the next day, OR I respond in my head first and then forget to actually message back. I get it, no one is too busy to send a text but I for one suck at it.

Here's a thing about me... I am an introvert. When I feel like I have nothing to offer a conversation or have nothing to further the conversation, I stay quiet. It's not all the time but it does happen where I'm like "crap... I don't know what to add to this." This is why I am not a fan of phone conversations, because I don't like awkward silences. Any who, I've been working on it. Do I respond back right away every time? No. Hell, my own brother could text me 3 times in one day and I will leave him on read, not on purpose but because most times I just forget to respond back. So with that, I admit I fall short in keeping up with conversations. My bad. There are probably other issues that I have that get in the way of having a lasting friendship but hey, I'm still learning about myself. I have lots to learn and UN-learn. I just know communication is a main thing I slack off on.


Let Me Tell You Some Cautionary Tales...

One friendship I had ended because it turned very toxic and started to be draining. When friendships start to drain you, as much as it sucks, you have to cut them out of your life. And this one was like a ticking time bomb. I mean it was always one thing after another. I was always the person that was down for whatever yet when I had an idea of what to do or a place to go, it was overshadowed. It was as though they had to make the rules and I just followed them. And if I acted a certain way that they didn't agree with, it was always, "You're acting different". And maybe I was to an extend because over time I started to become tired of being.. I guess, seen and not heard. The build up was intense.

That break up was probably one of the hardest ones for me to cope with. It really changed me and my perspective on things. I mean I saw everyone who tried to get close as someone who wanted to know the drama of it all rather than be a friend. It took years for an apology to take place with this person but it feels good to know now that we can bump into each other while out and about and have no hatred or bitterness towards each other. However, that break up overall, has made me be the distant person that I can be at times. The reason why I don't like telling people my problems, why I always try to figure out my problems by myself and why I seem so unemotional about things these days. It really made me stay in my shell. But, as mentioned before I'm still learning and unlearning things.


 

I've had a friendship end because of a boy. Not even in the sense of a Brandy and Monica, "The boy is mine" showdown. No. Simply because the friend was in my life, was introduced to a mutual friend, who was a boy, and basically ran off with him with no regards to me. Needless to say I felt used. I felt like I was a pawn in her plan to get laid and hitched. J had asked me one time while I was having a "Is it me? Am I the problem?" meltdown, he asked "Why do you see this situation more hurtful than the other situation with the friend who was toxic?" I replied with "Because, we let her into our lives. We were there for her when she had nobody, and the minute she meets a mutual guy friend, she sneaks around with him, like we cared, and then leaves our lives entirely, well mine at least. It's the perfect depiction of what using people looks like." Even the mutual guy friend, who we had known for YEARS ended up ghosting us. He acts as though he was never a big part of our lives.


Insert chorus to "There For You" By Star Cast/Jude Demorest here. Don't know it? Look it up. Issa Vibe


Did she try to have a conversation after everything? Yea, I'll give her that but I'm too stubborn to give her the closure she needs to "heal" the friendship. That's how I saw it go down and I don't want to mend a friendship with someone who is just going to suck what they can out of me and then come and go as they please. Nah. I'm good. I don't need that in my life and neither do my kids. Do you boo. I'll be civil but it's never going to be the same. I wish them all the best but they can go fool the world with their façade, just stay away from my shine.


Insert Fuck Apologies. by JoJo ft. Wiz Khalifa. Haven't heard it either? Look it up. Issanother Vibe


 

I've had a friendship go south just because. I honestly still don't know the status of this friendship. I was ghosted for reasons unbeknown to me. Aside from the fact that I may not have communicated with this person as much as I should have. In my defense I was going through it, my job at the time was draining me more than it was fulfilling me and it was starting to show in the way I acted towards people. I was in my head ALL of the time. But I felt like I was still a good friend to this person and thought she was the understanding friend towards me. I know this person had always said they were quick to cut people off but I just didn't think I was someone they would consider doing it to. I mean c'mon "I'm too nice" as I am always told ironically by the people who leave my life. The silence of it all has kind of made me bitter. It's leaving me confused. I've always wanted the best for this person, always admired them for their personality and their goals. I guess I didn't appreciate them enough?? I really. do. not. know. I do wish nothing but the best for this person, if we have a conversation about the falling out later in the future I'd be all for it but I refuse to accept I'm the reason why the fall out happened. I may suck at communication but I never slacked on being a friend regardless. The sucky part of it all is that when things like this happen it's hard to get back to how it used to be. It changes mindsets.


 

Now I know what Drake meant when he said "No New Friends". Good grief, I'm 33 years old and just like someone who has had their heart broken over and over again, I just don't know what my next move should be. If I'm too loyal, I get fucked. If I'm too distant I get fucked.

I do have friends where I could text them out of nowhere and we engage in conversations and then we stop talking for months but still can go back to conversations again months later. I appreciate those friends so much! Those friends know who they are. The ones where we can not see each other for months or even years but once we get together it's like not a day has passed. But I've always wanted a friendship like the girls in that show The Bold Type. But I'm also terrified to get that close to someone again.





I have a current friendship now that I'm scared to dive all into because of my track record, so I keep this person at arms length. I guess I still have some healing to do in this aspect. This person knows who they are. Just know, it's not you, it's me haha! I go into hermit mode and refuse to open up out of fear of eventually losing another close friend. So I make jokes to avoid serious conversations and usually keep conversations at a exchanging tik toks and funny memes. I may not always be the most conversational through text but I am always going to be a shoulder to lean on for a good laugh, some good sarcasm, a good cry, some binge watching because I feel like that's me. That's who I am. I'm the person who can make someone feel better by simply cracking a joke, making funny sarcastic comments or simply taking your mind off of the stresses of the everyday and of course I'm always down for whatever... except vodka... that's gross.


I wanted this post to be reflective. Something along the lines of the do's and don'ts of friendship break ups.

I guess there are some do's and don'ts to briefly point out.


DON'T let a bad friendship turn you into a shitty person.

DO evaluate yourself, your flaws and take accountability for your actions.

DON'T stand for something that messes with your energy.

DO send them love and light and go on with your life the best way you can.

DON'T play the blame game, both parties have their faults.

DO create boundaries.

DON'T ignore your feelings and call it healing. (I'm guilty of this)

DO create friendships regardless, we all deserve someone to lean on even if it is just temporary, it's probably who we need in that moment.

DON'T be hard on yourself. People come in and out of our lives to teach us all kinds of lessons.

DO love yourself, live your life for you and heal knowing you are your priority.

I needed to get this post off my chest. When I tell you I've written this with full anger then deleted it and then wrote it again more calmly and then deleted it and then rewrote it several times after that, I did. I struggled writing this because it's like opening a vein. However, it puts me at ease knowing I didn't name names and I only briefly described situations. If these people ever read this post, if the shoe fits, wear it. I know, as uncomfortable as it can get, I've been wearing mine. We all have things going on in our lives and we all have things that we need to fix.


Have you ever had a friendship break up? Was is just as hard to let cope with or was it more out of sight, out of mind? What are your experiences? Do we share experiences and feelings? Comment below, let me know! I'd love to get others perspectives!


Love & Light


I do not own the copyrights to the images and music references in this blog post.

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